NEW YORK. Declaring that “gravity simply doesn’t apply to valuations,” analysts confirmed Friday that the current artificial intelligence bubble is not expected to pop, but to float gently through the atmosphere, leave Earth’s orbit, and reach Mars sometime before Elon Musk.
A recent study published by the Institute for Speculative Economics, describes an investment landscape “completely detached from material reality, fiscal responsibility, and occasionally oxygen.”OpenAI, for instance, is currently valued at $500 billion, a number experts believe was generated by a chatbot after being asked to “sound confident.” Rival Anthropic stands at $180 billion despite reportedly generating less revenue than a high school bake sale.
“It’s not a bubble,” said one venture capitalist. “It’s a visionary helium sphere of hope.”
Inside OpenAI, sources claim that CEO Sam Altman has hired a team of Smurfs to manage the company’s finances after realizing no human accountant could comprehend what was happening.
“The blue ones are doing their best,” said one insider. “But every time they finish a spreadsheet, the valuation doubles itself out of pure enthusiasm.”
The market’s euphoria is so widespread that even investors admit they’re trapped in a high-stakes game of denial. “We all know it’s a bubble,” said one hedge fund manager, speaking from behind a pile of Nvidia stock.
“We’re just waiting for someone else to blink first. Until then, we’ll keep calling it ‘paradigm-shifting’ and hope the laws of economics don’t notice.”
At OpenAI headquarters, the company’s CFO is reportedly preparing a “Pop Readiness Plan,” which includes lobbying Congress for an emergency bailout. “If we go down, the U.S. economy goes with us,” said the CFO. “I’m sure President Trump 2.0 will understand. He’s always been pro-inflation.”
Economists agree that a bailout is the only likely outcome.
“If the AI bubble bursts, it’ll expose the horrifying truth that the rest of the U.S. economy has been running on vibes since 2008,” said one expert.
“At that point, the government will have no choice but to print money until the printers beg for death.
”For now, though, the bubble shows no signs of bursting. Researchers say it’s likely to continue expanding until atmospheric pressure drops low enough for it to achieve escape velocity.
“At about 60,000 feet, we expect the bubble to swell even faster,” said Dr. Lucinda Pratt of the University of Chicago’s Department of Delusional Finance.
“By 2035, it should drift past Mars, where it’ll finally burst—showering the Martians in worthless equity and pitch decks.”As for investors still buying AI stocks, most remain upbeat. “If the bubble goes interplanetary,” said one analyst, “that just means we’ve disrupted gravity itself. And frankly, that’s a trillion-dollar opportunity.”
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