LONDON — In what industry analysts are calling “a masterclass in mathematical optimism,” an agency executive has announced that her latest cross-channel campaign has achieved an extraordinary milestone: conversions amounting to 378% of actual sales.
“This is a historic achievement for our client, a market-leading multinational in the FMCG sector,” said Tina Morrow, Group Strategy Director at Synergetix Media Labs. “We’ve never seen conversions outperform sales by such a margin. It’s proof that our integrated, data-driven, results-optional approach really works.”
The campaign, which ran simultaneously on Google, Meta, and TikTok, was hailed internally as a triumph of collaboration between platforms and imagination over arithmetic. “Each platform did its part,” Morrow explained. “Google told us 160% of the sales came from search. Meta confidently claimed 140%. TikTok said 78% were driven by engagement with a dance challenge involving a jar of mayonnaise. We simply added them all up. That’s cross-channel synergy.”
Morrow said the team’s attribution model—an “industry-leading proprietary algorithm” that primarily consists of Excel’s SUM function—was key to the result. “Our clients trust us to give them the full picture,” she said. “In this case, the full picture turned out to be three and a half times bigger than reality.”
She noted that conversions exceeding actual sales figures is “not only normal, but expected” in today’s marketing landscape. “Frankly, if your reported conversions don’t at least double your real sales, you’re doing something wrong,” she said. “Most of our clients consider 150% to 250% attribution inflation as table stakes. But hitting 378%? That’s elite performance.”
Industry insiders applauded the agency’s accomplishment as a breakthrough in what’s known as quantitative storytelling. “It’s not about what the numbers mean,” said Morrow. “It’s about how happy they make people feel.”
The client, described as “ecstatic and only mildly suspicious,” has already doubled investment for the next phase of the campaign, where the team hopes to surpass the mythical 400% barrier. “That’s our moonshot,” Morrow said. “We’re confident that with enough dashboards, we can create more conversions than there are humans on Earth.”
When asked about the discrepancy between conversions and actual revenue, Morrow brushed it off. “We’ve learned that sales are a deeply flawed, old-fashioned metric,” she said. “They fluctuate, they’re affected by things like inflation and consumer behavior—just messy stuff. Conversions, on the other hand, are neat, digital, and self-reported. What could be more trustworthy than a number a platform tells you about itself?”
She added that clients are increasingly embracing this mindset. “No one wants to ruin a Friday afternoon by looking at sales data,” she explained. “But a dashboard full of soaring conversion rates? That’s serotonin in graph form.”
As the champagne corks popped at Synergetix Media Labs’ offices, Morrow reflected proudly: “We’ve proven that with enough cross-channel collaboration, belief, and creative accounting, even reality can be outperformed.”
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