PALO ALTO, CA — Declaring the news “a major win for the attention economy,” Mike Bonsoir, Chief Strategy Superintendent at TikTok, confirmed Thursday that internal studies show brain rot—once considered a tragic side effect of endless scrolling—is in fact “a core business metric” directly correlated with ad revenue.
“We’ve known for a while that our products melt synapses,” said Bonsoir, beaming with the sort of satisfaction usually reserved for people who’ve just discovered a new element or destroyed democracy. “But what really excites us is that our latest data indicates brain rot isn’t just happening—it’s accelerating. Our users are thinking less, buying more, and scrolling longer than ever before. It’s beautiful, really.”
According to Bonsoir, TikTok’s research department—referred to internally as “The Lab of Behavioral Decay”—has been tracking the progress of brain rot among users aged 13 to 85. “What we’re seeing is phenomenal,” he said. “Our average user can no longer complete a full sentence without being interrupted by a dance challenge or an ad for a novelty pasta maker. That level of cognitive deterioration was once thought impossible outside of severe head trauma. Now, it’s just the baseline for engagement.”
Bonsoir added that the company is “thrilled” with the resulting spike in what he called absolutely useless buying—a category that includes LED toilet seats, inflatable cowboy hats, and any product described as ‘TikTok Made Me Buy It.’
“Before, you only had a small segment of compulsive shoppers wasting their disposable income,” Bonsoir explained. “Now, thanks to us, everyone is doing it. We’ve democratized impulsive consumption. Even boomers, who once scoffed at social media, are now panic-ordering lip glosses and microblenders they don’t understand. We’re really proud of how confused and spendy that demographic has become.”
Despite the success, Bonsoir admitted there’s still room for improvement. “We’re seeing incredible levels of brain rot among young users—some can’t even spell their own names anymore—but their pointless spending hasn’t kept pace,” he said. “It’s like they’ve lost all executive function except the one that allows them to make memes about losing executive function. We see that as a growth opportunity.”
Bonsoir’s remarks align with statements made by other executives across the industry. “Brain rot is the new KPI,” said a Meta spokesperson, who spoke on condition of anonymity while feverishly scrolling through Reels. “Every neuron that dies is another conversion opportunity.”
Experts warn that this trend could have serious societal consequences, but Bonsoir dismissed those concerns. “Sure, maybe civilization collapses,” he said, shrugging. “But you’ll be able to buy a ring light for $3.99 with free shipping before it does. Isn’t that worth something?”
When asked if TikTok planned to address the growing public concern over digital addiction, Bonsoir chuckled. “Oh, absolutely,” he said. “We’re introducing a new feature that reminds users to take a break—after watching 1,000 videos in a row. It’s our way of saying, ‘Hey, you’re still conscious. Congrats!’”
He paused, glancing at his phone as a push notification flashed. “Anyway,” he added, “I just bought six smart forks I don’t need. So yeah, the system works.”
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