MENLO PARK, CA — In a bold move to revive flagging sales of Meta’s wearable tech, CEO Mark Zuckerberg unveiled his latest innovation Thursday: Meta X-Ray Glasses, a product he described as “the logical next step for human connection—and mild voyeurism.”
Unveiled during a men-only event at an undisclosed Silicon Valley lodge that reportedly featured “a lot of nervous laughter and one very uncomfortable PowerPoint,” the glasses promise users the ability to see through clothing “in crisp 4K resolution.”
“For decades, people born in the 70s and 80s dreamed of having X-ray vision,” Zuckerberg told the crowd, grinning with the quiet menace of a man who has read too much Ready Player One. “We at Meta have finally made that dream possible. What once was the domain of comic books and adolescent imagination is now a $1,299 wearable device—available for pre-order today.”
According to Meta’s promotional materials, the X-Ray Glasses utilize “breakthrough perception algorithms” to reveal what’s beneath a person’s clothes while “preserving their dignity through tasteful AR overlays.” The feature, known internally as Project Perveus, has reportedly been in development since 2019 under the guise of “medical imaging research.”
Early reactions were, unsurprisingly, polarized. “This is either the most important technological advancement of the century or the end of civilization as we know it,” said tech analyst Brian Fentley, moments before refreshing the sold-out pre-order page for the eighth time.
Meta confirmed that the first version will be targeted toward men, but a version for “nymphomaniacs of all genders” is already in the works. “We see a huge untapped market in people who just want to know what everyone else looks like naked,” said a Meta spokesperson. “We’re innovating on desire itself.”
When asked about criticism from religious and privacy groups, Zuckerberg maintained that the X-Ray Glasses were designed primarily for healthcare purposes. “We truly believe this will revolutionize preventive medicine,” he explained. “Imagine being able to detect heart disease, scoliosis, or hidden tattoos just by walking down the street. We really think this product will massively increase the health of the American people.”
Pressed on concerns raised by women’s rights organizations, Zuckerberg remained unfazed. “Look, people are always going to have concerns with new technology,” he said. “That’s why we’ve built in a very strong, pre-installed filter that automatically blurs underaged people. We’re being responsible. It’s all very ethical.”
According to sources inside Meta, the “strong filter” can be temporarily disabled for $9.99 per month through the company’s new Meta+ Premium Vision subscription.
Despite the backlash, the launch has already been deemed a success. Within hours, Meta announced that pre-orders had sold out worldwide, citing “massive interest from doctors, researchers, and guys named Chad.”
As the event concluded, Zuckerberg donned a pair of the X-Ray Glasses himself, scanning the crowd with what witnesses described as “the look of a man who just realized he can monetize lust.”
“Technology is about breaking barriers,” he said, smirking faintly. “And now, some of those barriers happen to be made of cotton.”
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