SAN FRANCISCO — Speaking from a rehabilitation center specializing in “post-programmatic recovery,” a former campaign planner has opened up about what he calls the dark underbelly of the advertising world, describing upper-funnel KPIs as “a dopamine injection straight to the frontal lobe.”
The man, who now goes by Eddie, says his spiral began early in his career when he was “indoctrinated into the metric cult.”
“It starts in training,” Eddie recalled, staring at the floor as if it were a Google Analytics dashboard. “They condition you to stop applying logic to your work. You’re told that things like causality, sales impact, or human behavior are distractions from the real goal — the dashboard lighting up green.”
According to Eddie, planners always knew deep down that upper-funnel KPIs like clicks, reach, impressions, engagement rate, brand lift, and viewability didn’t make sense — or money — for clients. “We’d joke about it over drinks,” he said. “Everyone knew it was nonsense. But anytime someone questioned the system, management would say those thoughts were heretic and satanic. I once got pulled into HR for asking what a ‘high-quality impression’ actually meant.”
Eventually, Eddie said, resistance gave way to revelation. “We converted,” he admitted. “And then we started to love it. Upper-funnel KPIs were pure bliss — they never disappointed. You could always make them look good. You hit a 0.2% click-through rate? Fantastic! That’s ‘above benchmark.’ You doubled impressions? You’re a rock star. They lowered stress levels, released oxytocin, serotonin, and a sprinkle of endorphins. They were like emotional support metrics.”
The real appeal, Eddie said, was safety. “The best part was that upper-funnel KPIs had no relation whatsoever to actual sales,” he explained. “That meant nobody could ever prove you’d failed. You were untouchable — a marketing god living in a sandbox of beautiful lies.”
Eddie’s awakening came unexpectedly. “A friend of mine worked for one of our biggest clients,” he said. “He told me sales had cratered and he was being laid off. Meanwhile, our upper-funnel KPIs were off the charts — engagement up 400%, awareness at record highs. That’s when I realized that something was off. We were measuring our own delusion.”
The shock led him to question his entire reality. “For a while, I thought maybe I was the KPI,” he said softly. “Maybe I was being optimized.”
Following a brief stay in a digital detox clinic, Eddie entered rehab, where he now attends daily sessions to manage cravings for dashboards and performance reports. “It’s hard,” he admitted. “Sometimes I see a bar chart, and my palms start sweating.”
Today, Eddie says he’s a changed man, rebuilding his life one clean breath at a time. “I’ve left the industry for good,” he said. “I’m now a paper towel sniffer. It’s honest work. No KPIs, no attribution models, just me and the faint scent of lemon freshness. For the first time in years, I’m free.”
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